He swallowed. “You see, one of Lord Vorkosigan’s nonmilitary duties is to eventually, sometime, somewhere, come up with a Lady Vorkosigan. The eleventh Countess-Vorkosigan-to-be. It’s rather expected from a man from a strictly patrilineal culture, y’see. You do know”—his throat seemed to be stuffed with cotton, his accent wavered back and forth—“that these, uh, physical problems of mine”—his hand swept vaguely down the length, or lack of it, of his body—“were teratogenic. Not genetic. My children should be normal. A fact which may have saved my life, in view of Barrayar’s traditional ruthless attitude toward mutations. I don’t think my grandfather was ever totally convinced of it. I’ve always wished he could have lived to see my children, just to prove it—”
“Miles,” Elli interrupted him gently.
“Yes?” he said breathlessly.
“You’re babbling. Why are you babbling? I could listen by the hour, but it’s worrisome when you get stuck on fast-forward.”
“I’m nervous,” he confessed. He smiled blindingly at her.
“Delayed reaction, from this afternoon?” She slipped closer to him, comfortingly. “I can understand that.”
He eased his right arm around her waist. “No. Yes, well, maybe a little. Would you like to be Countess Vorkosigan?”
She grinned. “Made of glass? Not my style, thanks. Really, though, the title sounds more like something that would go with black leather and chromium studs.”
The mental image of Elli so attired was so arresting, it took him a full half minute of silence to trace back to the wrong turn. “Let me rephrase that,” he said at last. “Will you marry me?”
The silence this time was much longer.
“I thought you were working up to asking me to go to bed with you,” she said finally, “and I was laughing. At your nerves.” She wasn’t laughing now.
“No,” said Miles. “That would have been easy.”
"You don’t want much, do you? Just to completely rearrange the rest of my life.”
“It’s good that you understand that part. It’s not just a marriage. There’s a whole job description that goes with it.”
“On Barrayar. Downside.”
“Yes. Well, there might be some travel.”
She was quiet for too long, then said, “I was born in space. Grew up on a deep-space transfer station. Worked most of my adult life aboard ships. The time I’ve spent with my feet on real dirt can be measured in months.”
“It would be a change,” Miles admitted uneasily.
“And what would happen to the future Admiral Quinn, free mercenary?”
“Presumably—hopefully—she would find the work of Lady Vorkosigan equally interesting.”
“Let me guess. The work of Lady Vorkosigan would not include ship command.”
“The security risks of allowing such a career would appall even me. My mother gave up a ship command—Betan Astronomical Survey—to go to Barrayar.”
“Are you telling me you’re looking for a girl just like Mom?”
“She has to be smart—she has to be fast—she has to be a determined survivor,” Miles explained unhappily. “Anything less would be a slaughter of the innocent. Maybe for her, maybe for our children with her. Bodyguards, as you know, can only do so much.”
Her breath blew out in a long, silent whistle, watching him watching her. The slippage between the distress in her eyes and the smile on her lips tore at him. Didn’t want to hurt you— the best I can offer shouldn’t be pain to you—is it too much, too little . . . too awful?
“Oh, love,” she breathed sadly, “you aren’t thinking.”
“I think the world of you.”
“And so you want to maroon me for the rest of my life on a, sorry, backwater dirtball that’s just barely climbed out of feudalism, that treats women like chattel—or cattle—that would deny me the use of every military skill I’ve learned in the past twelve years from shuttle docking to interrogation chemistry . . . I’m sorry. I’m not an anthropologist, I’m not a saint, and I’m not crazy.”
“You don’t have to say no right away,” said Miles in a small voice.
“Oh, yes I do,” she said. “Before looking at you makes me any weaker in the knees. Or in the head.”
And what am I to say to that? If you really loved me, you’d be delighted to immolate your entire personal history on my behalf? Oh, sure. She’s not into immolation. This makes her strong, her strength makes me want her, and so we come full circle. “It’s Barrayar that’s the problem, then.”
“Of course. What female human in her right mind would voluntarily move to that planet? With the exception of your mother, apparently.”
“She is exceptional. But . . . when she and Barrayar collide, it’s Barrayar that changes. I’ve seen it. You could be a force of change like that.”
Elli was shaking her head. “I know my limits.”
“No one knows their limits till they’ve gone beyond them.”
She eyed him. “You would naturally think so. What’s with you and Barrayar, anyway? You let them push you around like . . . I’ve never understood why you’ve never just grabbed the Dendarii and taken off. You could make it go, better than Admiral Oser ever did, better than Tung even. You could end up emperor of your own rock by the time you were done.”
“With you at my side?” He grinned strangely. “Are you seriously suggesting I embark on a plan of galactic conquest with five thousand guys?”
She chuckled. “At least I wouldn’t have to give up fleet command. No, really seriously. If you’re so obsessed with being a professional soldier, what do you need Barrayar for? A mercenary fleet sees ten times the action of a planetary one. A dirtball may see war once a generation, if it’s lucky—”
“Or unlucky,” Miles interpolated.
“A mercenary fleet follows it around.”
“That statistical fact has been noted in the Barrayaran high command. It’s one of the chief reasons I’m here. I’ve had more actual combat experience, albeit on a small scale, in the past four years than most other Imperial officers have seen in the last fourteen. Nepotism works in strange ways.” He ran a finger along the clean line of her jaw. “I see it now. You are in love with Admiral Naismith.”
“Of course.”
“Not Lord Vorkosigan.”
“I am annoyed with Lord Vorkosigan. He sells you short, love.”
He let the double entendre pass. So, the gulf that yawned between them was deeper than he’d truly realized. To her, it was Lord Vorkosigan who wasn’t real. His fingers entwined around the back of her neck, and he breathed her breath as she asked, “Why do you let Barrayar screw you over?”
“It’s the hand I was dealt.”
“By whom? I don’t get it.”
“It’s all right. It just happens to be very important to me to win with the hand I was dealt. So be it.”
“Your funeral.” Her lips were muffled on his mouth.
“Mmm.”
She drew back a moment. “Can I still jump your bones? Carefully, of course. You’ll not go away mad, for turning you down? Turning Barrayar down, that is. Not you, never you . . .”
I’m getting used to it. Almost numb. “Am I to sulk?” he inquired lightly. “Because I can’t have it all, take none, and go off in a huff? I’d hope you’d bounce me down the corridor on my pointed head if I were so dense.”
She laughed. It was all right, if he could still make her laugh. If Naismith was all she wanted, she could surely have him. Half a loaf for half a man. They tilted bedward, hungry-mouthed. It was easy, with Quinn; she made it so.
Bujold, Lois McMaster. Brothers in Arms (Vorkosigan Saga) (Miles Vorsokigan Book 5) (pp. 113-118). (Function). Kindle Edition.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Elli Quinn turns down his proposal. (B, BiA)
“Miles,” Elli interrupted him gently.
“Yes?” he said breathlessly.
“You’re babbling. Why are you babbling? I could listen by the hour, but it’s worrisome when you get stuck on fast-forward.”
“I’m nervous,” he confessed. He smiled blindingly at her.
“Delayed reaction, from this afternoon?” She slipped closer to him, comfortingly. “I can understand that.”
He eased his right arm around her waist. “No. Yes, well, maybe a little. Would you like to be Countess Vorkosigan?”
She grinned. “Made of glass? Not my style, thanks. Really, though, the title sounds more like something that would go with black leather and chromium studs.”
The mental image of Elli so attired was so arresting, it took him a full half minute of silence to trace back to the wrong turn. “Let me rephrase that,” he said at last. “Will you marry me?”
The silence this time was much longer.
“I thought you were working up to asking me to go to bed with you,” she said finally, “and I was laughing. At your nerves.” She wasn’t laughing now.
“No,” said Miles. “That would have been easy.”
"You don’t want much, do you? Just to completely rearrange the rest of my life.”
“It’s good that you understand that part. It’s not just a marriage. There’s a whole job description that goes with it.”
“On Barrayar. Downside.”
“Yes. Well, there might be some travel.”
She was quiet for too long, then said, “I was born in space. Grew up on a deep-space transfer station. Worked most of my adult life aboard ships. The time I’ve spent with my feet on real dirt can be measured in months.”
“It would be a change,” Miles admitted uneasily.
“And what would happen to the future Admiral Quinn, free mercenary?”
“Presumably—hopefully—she would find the work of Lady Vorkosigan equally interesting.”
“Let me guess. The work of Lady Vorkosigan would not include ship command.”
“The security risks of allowing such a career would appall even me. My mother gave up a ship command—Betan Astronomical Survey—to go to Barrayar.”
“Are you telling me you’re looking for a girl just like Mom?”
“She has to be smart—she has to be fast—she has to be a determined survivor,” Miles explained unhappily. “Anything less would be a slaughter of the innocent. Maybe for her, maybe for our children with her. Bodyguards, as you know, can only do so much.”
Her breath blew out in a long, silent whistle, watching him watching her. The slippage between the distress in her eyes and the smile on her lips tore at him. Didn’t want to hurt you— the best I can offer shouldn’t be pain to you—is it too much, too little . . . too awful?
“Oh, love,” she breathed sadly, “you aren’t thinking.”
“I think the world of you.”
“And so you want to maroon me for the rest of my life on a, sorry, backwater dirtball that’s just barely climbed out of feudalism, that treats women like chattel—or cattle—that would deny me the use of every military skill I’ve learned in the past twelve years from shuttle docking to interrogation chemistry . . . I’m sorry. I’m not an anthropologist, I’m not a saint, and I’m not crazy.”
“You don’t have to say no right away,” said Miles in a small voice.
“Oh, yes I do,” she said. “Before looking at you makes me any weaker in the knees. Or in the head.”
And what am I to say to that? If you really loved me, you’d be delighted to immolate your entire personal history on my behalf? Oh, sure. She’s not into immolation. This makes her strong, her strength makes me want her, and so we come full circle. “It’s Barrayar that’s the problem, then.”
“Of course. What female human in her right mind would voluntarily move to that planet? With the exception of your mother, apparently.”
“She is exceptional. But . . . when she and Barrayar collide, it’s Barrayar that changes. I’ve seen it. You could be a force of change like that.”
Elli was shaking her head. “I know my limits.”
“No one knows their limits till they’ve gone beyond them.”
She eyed him. “You would naturally think so. What’s with you and Barrayar, anyway? You let them push you around like . . . I’ve never understood why you’ve never just grabbed the Dendarii and taken off. You could make it go, better than Admiral Oser ever did, better than Tung even. You could end up emperor of your own rock by the time you were done.”
“With you at my side?” He grinned strangely. “Are you seriously suggesting I embark on a plan of galactic conquest with five thousand guys?”
She chuckled. “At least I wouldn’t have to give up fleet command. No, really seriously. If you’re so obsessed with being a professional soldier, what do you need Barrayar for? A mercenary fleet sees ten times the action of a planetary one. A dirtball may see war once a generation, if it’s lucky—”
“Or unlucky,” Miles interpolated.
“A mercenary fleet follows it around.”
“That statistical fact has been noted in the Barrayaran high command. It’s one of the chief reasons I’m here. I’ve had more actual combat experience, albeit on a small scale, in the past four years than most other Imperial officers have seen in the last fourteen. Nepotism works in strange ways.” He ran a finger along the clean line of her jaw. “I see it now. You are in love with Admiral Naismith.”
“Of course.”
“Not Lord Vorkosigan.”
“I am annoyed with Lord Vorkosigan. He sells you short, love.”
He let the double entendre pass. So, the gulf that yawned between them was deeper than he’d truly realized. To her, it was Lord Vorkosigan who wasn’t real. His fingers entwined around the back of her neck, and he breathed her breath as she asked, “Why do you let Barrayar screw you over?”
“It’s the hand I was dealt.”
“By whom? I don’t get it.”
“It’s all right. It just happens to be very important to me to win with the hand I was dealt. So be it.”
“Your funeral.” Her lips were muffled on his mouth.
“Mmm.”
She drew back a moment. “Can I still jump your bones? Carefully, of course. You’ll not go away mad, for turning you down? Turning Barrayar down, that is. Not you, never you . . .”
I’m getting used to it. Almost numb. “Am I to sulk?” he inquired lightly. “Because I can’t have it all, take none, and go off in a huff? I’d hope you’d bounce me down the corridor on my pointed head if I were so dense.”
She laughed. It was all right, if he could still make her laugh. If Naismith was all she wanted, she could surely have him. Half a loaf for half a man. They tilted bedward, hungry-mouthed. It was easy, with Quinn; she made it so.
Bujold, Lois McMaster. Brothers in Arms (Vorkosigan Saga) (Miles Vorsokigan Book 5) (pp. 113-118). (Function). Kindle Edition.