dendarii | [IC] [Mask or Menace] Contact Post

[Yeah no, not apologizing.

Even if it had been Miles' first time and there were some awkward spots due to unfamiliarity, there was no doubt the telepathy had amped up the whole experience.

He closes his eyes to let Miles explore, enjoying the feeling itself.

But Jim's usual free-flowing warmth (now a glow) starts to restrict itself, that disquiet trying to come free.

He opens his eyes again to refocus on Miles, ducking down to lazily kiss him, relatively chaste compared to earlier, in a small effort to distract himself. He could feel that his lips were a bit swollen already.]

[ Miles is just brightening at that, taking the gesture as pure affection rather than distraction. If anything he's subconsciously trying to make up for the slower flow of warmth from Jim. He returns the kiss with a grin, feeling rather sore but oh so pleased ... ]

So what should we call this, eh?

[Jim pulls away, blinking down at Miles.]

"This"?

[His brain was starting to really come back online and oh shit Miles wasn't asking what he thought he was asking--]

[ ... Miles' smile wavers slightly. Why does he feel a little like he did just after proposing to Tex? ]

Er, you know. The two of us? What are you thinking?

[ He hides his own nervousness by leaning in to mouth at Jim's neck lightly. ]

[Oh shit. He went there.]

...I'm guessing you're not referring to us being friends.

[ Miles laughs nervously. ]

Yes, Jim. We did just sleep together. That makes us rather more than platonic.

[Geez...Jim really had to get better at screening who he slept with. He can hear that nervousness in Miles' laugh. Shit.

That gentle ebb and flow to their shared mindscape stops abruptly. He hates these talks.]

Does it? I thought we were just having fun.

[ Oh.

Miles' side blinks out instantly as well. His bright fire replaced by coolness and darkness. So that's what this was. Thankfully he's not so deep into this that he's upset the way he was with Tex (and others), but it still stings. He tries to hide it by sitting back, no longer making skin contact with Jim. Is it so bad to just sleep with someone? Jim been wonderful, respectful, affectionate in ways that some of his other problematic relationships hadn't been ... And really, Miles had been using him a little too. So why be upset? Not fair to Jim, surely ...

He has to take a deep breath anyway. Tries to force himself to smile again. ]

Sure, sure. Just fun. No attachment.

[He feels that warmth blink out before losing contact with Miles. Shit. He definitely didn't need telepathy for a reaction like that.]

Okay wait, we're not doing this like this.

[He reaches over the side of the bed, grabs his boxer briefs and sits up to put them back on, grabbing Miles' undergarments and tossing them near him before settling back on the bed legs crossed, facing Miles squarely. His hands are folded, playing with his fingers as he leans forward, giving Miles a bit of time to compose himself.

He's had this conversation before just...never with someone quite like Miles--someone he didn't want to lose entirely.]

[ Not knowing what Jim's intentions are, that transition seems rather abrupt. Like he's being thrown out of his own room or something. He just holds onto his undergarments for a moment, a bit stunned by that reaction. Was it that bad? Did he misstep that terribly? ]

Ah ... right. I won't keep you here, of course.

[ Even though his shoulders are slumped a bit miserably here. ]

[He looks down at his hands. It feels weirdly empty between them without that touch.]

Look, Miles. I don't do relationships.

[He resists the urge for now to brace Miles up by his shoulders to get rid of that slouch, linking and unlinking his fingers to keep them busy.]

Better than secretly hiding one, I suppose ...

[ He shakes his head faintly. Decides to dress after all, and stands just enough to pull his own boxers back on. ]

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

[He wasn't particularly fond of the tone of that statement.

He sighs in frustration, mostly at himself and rubs his face, then runs his hands through his hair.]

-- Not you. Someone else.

[ He sits back down once he's at least a little bit clothed, kind of ... awkward now. ]

We could do this again sometime? Maybe?

[He folds his arms across his chest and looks Miles in the eyes.]

I'd like that but would you?

[...And now he was feeling a bit guilty, making it sound like this was all on Miles. He looks away briefly, arms relaxing down onto his knees again, hunched over. He put Miles through a lot today. The least he could do was reassure him somewhat. He looks back up at Miles again.]

Let's get one thing straight though--this is a "me" thing, not a "you" thing, alright?

[ He has to really think about that for a moment. The sex had been good, definitely, and he'd enjoyed himself with Jim ... but he feels a bit hollow just engaging in the physical side of things. He really needs that connection or else it all just feels pointless somehow.

(Then again, where is he really expecting this to go? Marriage? Ha.) ]

How so? Surely you've had a relationship with other people, Jim.

Not really.

[He shrugs.]

They're just not my thing. [Which is honestly the most piss poor excuse for glazing over it but he's giving Miles (and more importantly himself) a way out.]

[ The first rule of dealing with Miles: he never takes the easy way out. ]

... But why? Surely you want something permanent. Someday. It must be terribly lonely otherwise.

[...Of course he wouldn't take the easy way out but he had to at least give himself the opportunity. You can't make this easy on him Miles, can you? This conversation was getting more difficult by the second. He really kind of wished he and Miles were making contact so Jim could make some sad attempt at conveying what he wanted to say, at the same time, glad Miles couldn't see the darkness curling around in the back of his mind.]

...If I'm going to be a starship captain, I won't drag anyone down by making them wait for me. I won't leave anyone behind holding their breaths hoping I make it home alive every time I go away. I won't take anyone with me and risk whatever's happening to me happening to them.

[He'd seen his mother growing up torn to shreds after what happened that day. He hated his own birthday because of it. He refused to inflict that kind of pain on someone.]

[ Miles ... tilts his head a bit. Clearly there's history here. Something he isn't seeing, something Jim isn't saying ... It's too strong of a conviction just spring forth out of nothing. And yet, the first words out of his mouth is: ]

So why not engage with someone on your ship? A fellow officer, perhaps?

[He shook his head, then waves his hand as though to wave off his suggestion.]

I'm First Officer. There's all kinds of regs against that.

[Jim's exhaustion is starting to catch up with him. He's looking down at his hands.]

Bottom line of all this: You didn't do anything wrong except want something from me that I couldn't give. I should've said something earlier.

[ Hmm. He hasn't given up yet, but he decides not to poke at the obvious wound right this second. Instead he just shakes his head quietly. ]

... Let me think about it, then.

[Well that went better than he hoped, honestly. Way better. He looks at Miles for a few more seconds before slowly getting up off the bed, grabbing his pants and putting them on.]

You do that.

[He looks around for his shirt and--ah there it is. On the floor on the other side of the bed. He picks that up and throws it on. He puts a hand on Miles' (clothed) shoulder.]

Whatever you decide, it'd be nice to still be friends.

[He lets go and heads towards the door.]

I'm still friends with Tex. I think I can manage being friends with you.

[ He manages some real warmth there, at least. As awkward as it is to watch Jim walk out of his bedroom ... ]

[He lets out a light laugh. He turns and gives Miles a small smile.]

I'm going home to sleep for a couple of days. You know where to find me.

[Jim walks out of the room, shutting the door behind him.]

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