[IC] [Mask or Menace] Contact Post

[dendarii]

"This is Miles. Leave a message and I'll respond to you at my earliest convenience."

The line has gone silent; any messages sent to this name only return an error.

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[dendarii]

[ Miles basks in the heat of that want for a moment, practically desperate for it. A balm to the real issue underlying all of this, which is Miles' crippling self-doubt. The argument may be unresolved, but if he can address it in another way, well ... Yes, he wants that. He doesn't realize why he wants it so badly, but oh god he wants Jim right back.

He leans up to press a more tentative kiss to the underside of Jim's jaw. You'll have to show me, he admits. I don't know what I'm doing. You'll be the first. He trusts it's obvious enough that he doesn't mean virginity here. ]

[overemotionally]

[This certainly wasn't Jim's first rodeo--either the whole situation or being someone's first. He exhales at the kiss to his jaw, a desperate measure to keep himself even at this point. His self-control was getting an impressive workout right now.]

Sure. You tell me what's okay and what's not.

[Some things needed to be said aloud. Although Jim is eager to use the telepathy to tease out what feels best for Miles.]

[dendarii]

[ The telepathy will be a huge help. Instant feedback, both positive and negative ... starting with right now. Relief filters over at that promise. Miles still doesn't know for sure what he likes, if he likes any of it. But he's okay with figuring it out like this. ]

... Of course. You as well.

45 min-1 hr later;;

[overemotionally]

--

[Jim is enjoying the post-sex haze, laying on his stomach next to Miles, hand joined to his, barely enough energy to grip right now but wanting and needing to maintain contact. Telepathy during sex was intense and he was all about it.

The most he could manage right this second was an air of query across the link, wondering how Miles was doing.]

[dendarii]

[ Exhausted, mostly, but pleased. So very pleased in his own post-coital way, both from the physicality of it and the sense of having settled something mentally for himself. Had he enjoyed every second of it? No, but he's never actually had sex that good. Would it have been better if Jim had been a woman? Probably. But Jim had been very good, and everything they'd done had been very pleasurable, and Miles had found Jim's masculinity to be an exciting novelty rather than the brick wall he'd feared ...

So he's feeling good. Satisfied. A sense of ... something answered. All right, Miles Naismith Vorkosigan is bisexual. Which means ... what, exactly? He feels as though he needed to know this for sure for some reason, but that reason isn't quite coming to mind.

He shifts a bit on the bed, cuddling closer to Jim. (Watch out Jim, Miles is a cuddle monster.) He projects back sleepy satisfaction, and then his own question in return. How was it for you? ]

[overemotionally]

[Jim shifts and brings his hand down instead to drape over Miles' hip, hand at his back and pulling a bit to bring him closer.

He was slowly starting to come back to himself. Today has been a day and a half physically, mentally, emotionally. A small ember of pride with a flicker of smugness in the back of his mind that Miles had apparently looked favorably on his first time having sex with a man.

Good. Great. He has to mentally regather himself. Damn he was going to sleep well tonight. He just needed to make sure he got back to his place.

Telepathy was different.

Give him a couple minutes to regain himself, Miles, he's usually more engaging in pillow talk.]

[dendarii]

[ Very favorable, very pleasant ... But Miles almost enjoys the cuddling most of all. It's so pleasant to be quietly intimate with someone he'd just been very intimate with. He reaches out gently to trace Jim's jawline with his fingertips.

Agreed, thinks Miles, a soft smile spreading over his face. I'm not sure I can go back now. You may have ruined me. ]

[overemotionally]

[He shivers slightly at the light touch. He seemed to be a lot more sensitive than he usually was--like a lowkey faint buzzing at the surface of his consciousness. A faint restlessness starts to writhe in the back of his mind when Miles smiles at him, combined with that faint touch...Jim tamps it down for now.

He uses the arm not pressed against Miles' back to prop himself up on his elbow and looks down at him.

This isn't the part where I apologize, right? His smile is a bit more mischievous.]

[dendarii]

[ Miles just snorts at that. Hell no. I might smack you if you did. He keeps up with that light touch, just enjoying all the contours of Jim's face. Those firm cheekbones, his electric blue eyes ... Jim may be feeling a bit of restlessness here, but Miles is settling down the more he lingers. He wants to stay like this forever if he could. ]

[overemotionally]

[Yeah no, not apologizing.

Even if it had been Miles' first time and there were some awkward spots due to unfamiliarity, there was no doubt the telepathy had amped up the whole experience.

He closes his eyes to let Miles explore, enjoying the feeling itself.

But Jim's usual free-flowing warmth (now a glow) starts to restrict itself, that disquiet trying to come free.

He opens his eyes again to refocus on Miles, ducking down to lazily kiss him, relatively chaste compared to earlier, in a small effort to distract himself. He could feel that his lips were a bit swollen already.]

[dendarii]

[ Miles is just brightening at that, taking the gesture as pure affection rather than distraction. If anything he's subconsciously trying to make up for the slower flow of warmth from Jim. He returns the kiss with a grin, feeling rather sore but oh so pleased ... ]

So what should we call this, eh?

[overemotionally]

[Jim pulls away, blinking down at Miles.]

"This"?

[His brain was starting to really come back online and oh shit Miles wasn't asking what he thought he was asking--]

[dendarii]

[ ... Miles' smile wavers slightly. Why does he feel a little like he did just after proposing to Tex? ]

Er, you know. The two of us? What are you thinking?

[ He hides his own nervousness by leaning in to mouth at Jim's neck lightly. ]

[overemotionally]

[Oh shit. He went there.]

...I'm guessing you're not referring to us being friends.

[dendarii]

[ Miles laughs nervously. ]

Yes, Jim. We did just sleep together. That makes us rather more than platonic.

[overemotionally]

[Geez...Jim really had to get better at screening who he slept with. He can hear that nervousness in Miles' laugh. Shit.

That gentle ebb and flow to their shared mindscape stops abruptly. He hates these talks.]

Does it? I thought we were just having fun.

[dendarii]

[ Oh.

Miles' side blinks out instantly as well. His bright fire replaced by coolness and darkness. So that's what this was. Thankfully he's not so deep into this that he's upset the way he was with Tex (and others), but it still stings. He tries to hide it by sitting back, no longer making skin contact with Jim. Is it so bad to just sleep with someone? Jim been wonderful, respectful, affectionate in ways that some of his other problematic relationships hadn't been ... And really, Miles had been using him a little too. So why be upset? Not fair to Jim, surely ...

He has to take a deep breath anyway. Tries to force himself to smile again. ]

Sure, sure. Just fun. No attachment.

[overemotionally]

[He feels that warmth blink out before losing contact with Miles. Shit. He definitely didn't need telepathy for a reaction like that.]

Okay wait, we're not doing this like this.

[He reaches over the side of the bed, grabs his boxer briefs and sits up to put them back on, grabbing Miles' undergarments and tossing them near him before settling back on the bed legs crossed, facing Miles squarely. His hands are folded, playing with his fingers as he leans forward, giving Miles a bit of time to compose himself.

He's had this conversation before just...never with someone quite like Miles--someone he didn't want to lose entirely.]

[dendarii]

[ Not knowing what Jim's intentions are, that transition seems rather abrupt. Like he's being thrown out of his own room or something. He just holds onto his undergarments for a moment, a bit stunned by that reaction. Was it that bad? Did he misstep that terribly? ]

Ah ... right. I won't keep you here, of course.

[ Even though his shoulders are slumped a bit miserably here. ]

[overemotionally]

[He looks down at his hands. It feels weirdly empty between them without that touch.]

Look, Miles. I don't do relationships.

[He resists the urge for now to brace Miles up by his shoulders to get rid of that slouch, linking and unlinking his fingers to keep them busy.]

[dendarii]

Better than secretly hiding one, I suppose ...

[ He shakes his head faintly. Decides to dress after all, and stands just enough to pull his own boxers back on. ]

[overemotionally]

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

[He wasn't particularly fond of the tone of that statement.

He sighs in frustration, mostly at himself and rubs his face, then runs his hands through his hair.]

[dendarii]

-- Not you. Someone else.

[ He sits back down once he's at least a little bit clothed, kind of ... awkward now. ]

We could do this again sometime? Maybe?

[overemotionally]

[He folds his arms across his chest and looks Miles in the eyes.]

I'd like that but would you?

[...And now he was feeling a bit guilty, making it sound like this was all on Miles. He looks away briefly, arms relaxing down onto his knees again, hunched over. He put Miles through a lot today. The least he could do was reassure him somewhat. He looks back up at Miles again.]

Let's get one thing straight though--this is a "me" thing, not a "you" thing, alright?

[dendarii]

[ He has to really think about that for a moment. The sex had been good, definitely, and he'd enjoyed himself with Jim ... but he feels a bit hollow just engaging in the physical side of things. He really needs that connection or else it all just feels pointless somehow.

(Then again, where is he really expecting this to go? Marriage? Ha.) ]

How so? Surely you've had a relationship with other people, Jim.